The Quantum Ogre and the Massive Idiot

Here is a silver piece, old woman. Now tell me my fortune! What will I see on the road?

An ogre awaits you on the road. Keep your eyes open, and your bow strung!

No need! We planned to take the South road to town, but we can switch to the West instead, and avoid the ogre entirely.

Foolish man! The ogre lies in your path. You will meet it tomorrow.

Speak sense, hag! Does it stalk the South or the West? Which road did your tea indicate?

Yours.

Well played! Tell me my road and I’ll give you some copper, but no more silver.

Listen well, I told you already. Yours is the path with the ogre.

Men! We take the West road tomorrow! Prepare to leave at first light! …Now crone, tell me, how long until the ogre travels to the West road? I’ll surprise him, and my men, tomorrow, when I take the road going South.

He won’t travel; he sits there already.

Sits WHERE? On the South road, or the West? Or is he some quantum creature, being on both roads at the same time?

Quantum? No, he stands as tall as a house, upon the road you travel tomorrow. How is your head both dense and soft at the same time?

Don’t get coy, you old battle-axe. You’re talking in circles and riddles. Return my silver at once!

If you take your silver back, I wouldn’t have told you about the ogre in the first place. So you can deduce clearly that you won’t have your money back. Just ready your men and your bows. Fate approaches.

And suppose I stay here? Suppose I remain in these walls. …Does anyone here have a room to rent!? …I’ll stay in a privy if I must, and wait for the ogre to come and eat you. How about that?

Stay as long as you wish. The ogre remains on your road.

Is he immortal now? If I stay here for a year, will he wait for me on the road, even if a thousand rangers hunt for him?

Whatever rangers do, bards will sing of the depth of your ignorance! “An ogre on the road”, I tell you, and somehow you find a way to not understand. Even if you remain here ten years, and rangers slay a dozen ogres, you will leave one day, and meet fate

And if I stay here forever? Am I now immortal, since death would prevent my appointment on the road?

Ah, but you won’t. Now stop your pig-headed nonsense, sharpen that sword, oil your bowstring, and quit your cowardice! The ogre does not sit waiting for you any more than you wait for it. Regardless, your fate awaits, as sure as a storm cloud.

Give me my money, bitch! Hey, come back here! You can’t outrun me!

Help! That awful man wants to rob me! Open the gate, hold him back, let me out!

Take your hands off me! Let me leave! Open the gate again! You can’t hold me here forever! Open the fucking gate!

Come on then, dickhead! You want your money? …Oh my poor lungs, I cannot run any more, I must walk. So walk with me on the road. It looks like you’re going West after all.